Friday, November 20, 2015

Can't take my friends in Public

How would my friends use Namaste in a sentence?
Me: You guys want to go out?
Tracy: Namaste my ass at home ( Nah I'm going to stay my ass at home)

I have become the official translator of the group...
I remember going to Magic Mountain and Tracy ordering ..
Tracy : I likeonecokelataice ( In one breath )
Concession Lady: What language is he speaking?
Me: Oh ... He would like a Cola and could you put a lot of ice in it?
Bwahaha  Tracy even told me that when he was living in L.A. they thought he had an accent like boxer Riddick Bowe.
ron burgundy finishes drink quickly gif Anchorman Will Ferrell Imgur
On another occasion while dining at Sambo's near Disneyland

Waitress :  Would you like Soup or Salad?
Wayne :  Yeah
Waitress:  {Repeats} Soup or Salad?
Wayne : Yeah
Waitress: {Frustrated} Soup or Salad?
Us :  "Wayne, she like know if you  want a Soup or a Salad?"
Wayne:  Oh?  I thought she was asking if I wanted a "super salad" stupid Wayne laugh that sounds like buhhaha

Then you have My WELL EDUCATED, ARTICULATE kids...  just the opposite of my friends.
At a barbecue:
James to my oldest son : Troy , go grind burah
Troy whispering to me :  Dad, I don't know what they are saying..
Me to James : Eh, my kids don't speak pidgin
James: Sorry, Troy would you like to partake in some food...

Then again maybe it is my son

At the Padre stadium the usher was handing out old baseball cards to the kids if they could solve math problems.

Usher to Troy : Eight plus eight
Troy; {puzzled}
Usher: Eight plus eight..
Troy : {still no answer}
Me: Troy what is eight plus eight?
Troy: Oh, 16... whispers to me " I thought he was calling me a pussy...eh pussy"

Monday, July 21, 2014

My Buddy Wayne part 2 of...

Perhaps my favorite topic that makes me laugh is the topic of Wayne and his choice of women because of his overactive testosterone.

Flashback to college days ...
Chicken dance
The "boys" used to do two annual trips, one to Vegas and the other skiing...  (I know "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" but I have to share this story)....  In Vegas we usually hang out around each other and stay in the same proximity, however, Wayne went missing for  hours and we started to worry, and since we were not there to verify his story this is what he said...  "I had a craving to go to a particular 'restaurant' that serves chicken and noticed they had free shuttle service so I called them and they picked me up in a fancy limousine.  I was picked up with other customers and was driven straight to the restaurant.  We were all escorted to the lobby area where we were all given a menu...  After glancing at the menu, I realized I couldn't even afford the appetizer so I had to wait until everyone was done eating before they would return me to the hotel..." Walk of shame...Bwahaha

Fast forward to modern day Vegas... We recently attended Tracy's wedding and again Wayne had endured the walk of shame, this time at the hands of a homeless guy..
 Homeless guy: Excuse me sir, can you spare some change
As Wayne continued to walk , little did he know that his old sneakers started to separate from the soles, causing his shoes to making a flapping sound and the appearance that his shoes were talking.
Wayne: Bah, I don't have any change...
Homeless guy: Whoa dude you have talking shoes...
Just as he neared the homeless guy the soles to his shoes flew off ...
Homeless guy:  That's ok you need to buy new talking shoes...

Back to Wayne and his choice of women, flashback mid 80's
Cruising in my truck at Ala Moana... Wayne waves to a girl sitting on the brick wall and she waives back.
Wayne:  Circle around again, I want to talk to her. ( Yeah Yeah Tracy at least Wayne can talk to women)
Me: Meh!
I drop off Wayne and park at Keyholes.  10 minutes pass and soon the cute girl appears at my driver side window.
Daisy:  I didn't want to talk to your creepy friend, I wanted to meet you...
Me: meh
We talk for a little while and made plans to go out ( that's right Tracy... I no need talk to chicks, they come talk to me)
We go out a couple of times and I realize she is crazy!  She would contradict herself by saying stuff like, I don't drink and the next sentence would be ... I got so drunk last night..
RED FLAG ..EXIT STAGE RIGHT
As luck would have it, I had to move into the college dorms for my summer job.  She knew what dorm I was in but had no way to access the floor or the room so she would leave trinkets like teddy bears and Cd's for me at the front desk ...
Later that summer, as I refused to call her, I got a call from Wayne at 3:00 a.m. in the morning ( this is before cell phones)
Wayne:  Whoa brah, I have a story for you, I just had Daisy arrested..
Me: Yeah Yeah... Dude it's 3:00 in the morning, call me tomorrow. ( hang up)
Me: huh? what did he say?  I call Wayne back. .. What did you say?
Wayne: I had Dasiy arrested. After we had sex ( no Wayne we are not tunnel mates I didn't have sex with her), she fell asleep and I went through her purse and found my checks and my credit cards, she was stealing from me.
Me: Oh? Eh thanks for the CD and Teddy Bear then...
Daisy makes bail and soon after Wayne calls her and questions why she had done what she did and how could she...  He calls her several times after and then gets a male voice on the phone.
Wayne: Who dis?
Voice:  Why who dis?
Wayne: Why..
Voice:  What!
Wayne:   exchanges pleasantries  I'll kick your ass!
Voice:  Come... bring it....
Wayne calls me 
Wayne:  I like borrow your 9 millimeter
Me:  For what?
He explains...
Me: Hell No!!!!
Wayne goes to confront the voice and brings his butterfly knife.  He knocks on the door and a police officer opens the door, so Wayne tosses the knife in the bushes.  Apparently, Daisy filed harassment charges against Wayne's harrassing phone calls.
Walk of shame....
I could go on about Wayne's annulled marriage, Wayne's intermediate school girlfriend "Maggie"  etc but I'll save it for another time...

To give you another perspective of what kind of friends I have...
  Well... here is another flashback...
We used to fish on a little island in Kapalua at night.  While setting up our lines, ( in the dark) I fall in a deep hole.  The fall is so hard that the tip of my fishing pole breaks off and hits Wayne in the head.
As I lie in the hole with the wind knocked out of me I hear...
Wayne: What the fuck did you throw at my head!
Me: in a soft barely audible tone.. help me... I'm hurt I fell in the hole.
Wayne, Tracy, and Sheldon come over and assess the situation. Bwahahahahahahahaha rolling on the ground laughing. 
Not are you ok?  Just plain laughing
Me... crawl of shame..
Then there is the time, I had a nice size papio on the line and inches from landing it, the line snaps.  Wayne saw the fish ...
Sheldon: Whoa that was a big fish? what kind of fish was it?
Wayne: Popa'a 
Really Wayne?  Would it hurt you to tell the truth ... hence my blog..  nothing but the truth... 

Side note: Tracy always questions my game....  but.. I don't need a game plan when I'm the one being hit on. Bwahaha
Just so you know I have "game"...  here ...

My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the bar. Wanna buy some drinks with their money?

Are you an interior decorator? Because when I saw you, the entire room became beautiful.

Are you religious? Because you're the answer to all my prayers.

I'm not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.

Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?

I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.

I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?

 Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cuz every time I see you, you turn me on!

Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material.

I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I'm going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

I'm not staring at your boobs. I'm staring at your heart.

You're the only girl I love now... but in ten years, I'll love another girl. She'll call you 'Mommy.'

 Can I take your picture to prove to all my friends that angels do exist?

My doctor says I'm lacking Vitamin U.

Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.

 You look so familiar… didn't we take a class together? I could've sworn we had chemistry.



Friday, September 27, 2013

My Buddy Wayne part 1 of ?


Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself, or experience one of those FML (fuck my life moments) there is always one sure thing that always cheers me up...  It's my buddy Wayne.  Wayne has the uncanny ability to laugh at himself which is a quality that I admire and I try to emulate.


Let's flashback to intermediate school where I first met Wayne.  At that time Wayne was one of the taller kids in the sixth grade, (second only to the human tic-tac-toe board B.McGowen) but sadly enough, Wayne hasn't grown since...

Pubescent Wayne has yet to reach full puberty, which explains a lot of his shortcomings. With puberty comes the acne, the raging hormones, the extra testosterone,  and the undeveloped frontal lobe. What sane person teaches his female dog named Precious to hump somebodies leg on command. Noooo...Not sit and shake hands or attack but "come on Precious... hump..." but that fails in comparison to being chased around the basketball court fearing that if you tripped you would have a penis in your face...

Having Ranging Hormones also inhibits his ability to select whom he should date...  ( More on the raging hormones later...)

Fast Forward a few years ( Yes Wayne is still the same height) During High School football practice, Wayne was hit hard! As Wayne lay dazed staring skyward, panic set in amongst the other players as Wayne started to bleed profusely.
Player:"Coach, Coach... Wayne is bleeding"
Coach: "Give him room... you Okay Hashimoto?"
Wayne: "I'm Okay Coach..."
Coach: "You're bleeding pretty bad... apply pressure to your chin."
Me: Assessing the situation..."Meh... Coach, I think the chin strap just popped his ZIT."
Coach: "Oh Yeah...  Get back in there Hashimoto"

Side Note: Do I feel bad making fun of Wayne? Um, No!  What kind of friend sells me an amphibian surfboard aptly name "Toad"  The first time I took it in the water, it had so many dings in it almost sank hence the amphibian status,  it surfs better on the land! 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

My ego's

Leggo my egos...
Now that you met my Id and Super Ego, let me introduce you to my egos. The rational balance between the two... I actually have two egos in my life one male and one female.

My female ego would be my buddy Wendy.  She is the closet thing I have to a sister and is always there to offer a female perspective to any of life's challenges. Why would I have a female ego and what's in it for her?...Perhaps Wendy feels indebted to me for her having any social life at all.... here is my perception of Wendy B.K (BEFORE KEVIN).  Thick glasses, androgynous body covered up by baggy clothes.  She was nerdy cool before nerdy was even in...  Initially she was was quiet and reserved but soon came out of her shell and became "one of the boys".  She would even piss on the side of the road like the rest of us...  Of course the down side of that is that her parents literally blame me for her being "unlady like".  Hey, isn't that their job?
Being one of the boys had it's benefits too... ( no, not that kind of benefits...) She was initiated into our-drink across the police station- scale the public pool wall - then go skinny dipping club. Of course with Bruddah Wayne helping her over the wall she was practically ready to go skinny dipping anyway. (Just saying)  A fun drunk... Wens is not! I had to save her non-butt many a times when she gets overly flirtatious with men. (But then again, that is how she met her hubby, the then bouncer at World Cafe... ) Where's Cliff?  I want to dance with Cliff... Where's Reggie?  I want to dance with Reggie is Wens battle cry that can be heard throughout the room. The solution to handle drunk Wendy? Give her more to drink of course- she then gets sick and nauseous and what better turn off for men then to see a stumbling drunk Wendy....
Of course when she is sober she is a really good teacher that her students love and respect... I had the privilege to work professionally with Wendy and I once asked her kindergarten student who his teacher was, and his response was "Ms. T , the witch!" enough said. 
So I know the question is what was Wendy like PK (Post Kevin)  so here is my perception of her PK. Nerd Chic!

Then there is my boy, Sheldon...  As innocent as Sheldon may seem, he (like the Id) was the instigator to a lot of the trouble we could have gotten into. To get a perspective of what Sheldon was like, he was voted the shortest boy in our Freshman class and Dr. Tracy (Id) then diagnosed Sheldon with Marfan disease which explained his rapid growth, lanky limbs and his fluorescent penis (I think that was from the marfan meds). 
I can remember two incidents where Shel was the instigator to making someone cry...  the first was to have Glenn straddle the monkey bars, tie his shoes to the ends and then pull vigorously on his limbs.  (Glenn was our friend because he could drive before the rest of us... I don't know what little Sheldon had against Glenn, but in hind site I should have stood up to his bullying - Ummm nah)  As we grew older, Sheldon then created the game "Dark Shadows" in which we would tell Glenn we are playing hide and seek and we would then jump in our cars and run away from Glenn. 
The other incident the Id just reminded me of, I'm not sure if it was the Id's idea or Shel's....  The idea was simple, we drive past a classmates house (whom was not in short supply of self image but needed to view herself in something other than her magical mirror- perhaps a mirror with a wide angle) and on the count of three we all would yell "I love you Carrie".  Sounds like fun? Well just to let you know what kind of friends I have...  we drove past ( in my car) counted to three and then I yelled , "I love you Carrie..." Mother Fuckers set me up! My car, My voice.... needless to say, the next day I was asked if I drove past her House! Mother Fuckers!!!  Let me tell you I literally died from embarrassment and now cry myself to sleep ever since. 

Bachi is when the bad things that you do come back to you bite you. bachi ga ataru Sheldon!!! Shel grew up with pets that were hilarious... one dog literally dug his own grave, one dog was allergic to fleas and one dog was deaf.
Side note: What do you call a deaf dog? Answer: It doesn't matter because he won't come anyway...

According to Frued, the Ego is the one that controls the Id.... I know this is the case as I recall walking down the Las Vegas strip in 50 degree weather...
Sheldon to Tracy: What time is it?
Tracy takes his hands out of his fleece lined jacket...
Tracy: 2:30, how come... did you forget your watch?
Sheldon:  No, I just didn't want to get my hands cold...
Tracy: You fucka... 

My egos are my rational voice and is someone whom I can always turn to if I need advice or an honest opinion... and won't think I am suicidal...
then there is my buddy Wayne, whom I can always count on to make me laugh when i have one of those FML (Fuck my life) moments... stay tuned
  

Saturday, March 2, 2013

My friends part 2, my personal super ego

There is a constant battle between good and evil , and between the super ego and the Id.  It is blatantly obvious that Tracy is my Id and so Geary would be my Super Ego.  Deservingly so, He is the moral compass in which the All American family lives by.  He has a beautiful wife, two beautiful kids, two dogs and a beautiful house that may qualify as a "historical home".  I say deservingly so because he actually had to "earn" it.
Growing up, Geary had a very short fuse and was easily angered.  Of course, the Id, Tracy would be the antecedent to a lot of the behavior.
In Intermediate and High school, we would often play double's tennis and although tennis may be a "gentleman's game," playing with Tracy was less then gentlemanly, perhaps John McEnroe was his inspiration. ( I may not be innocent in antagonizing Geary but hey IT IS MY BLOG!!!) 
Tracy to Geary:  Nice hit into the net, you want us to lower it?
Tracy to Geary: Look who we are playing, it's Faggety Ann and Faggety Andy
Tracy to Geary: That was way out , you want us to paint the lines wider for you?

and my personal favorite , as the ball was lobbed to Geary and he clearly had a "put away shot"
Tracy to Geary:  SLAM 'EM GEARY
woosh into the net
Tracy to Geary: Nice shot..
Geary: FUCK YOU GUYS!!!!! ( This may not be funny on one instance but this was a multiple occurrence)

Then there was the post tennis walk home or the walk of shame for Geary and the free drinks and Pizza funded by the losing team.  On one of the return trips, being competitive, we would often race to our destination, Tracy being Tracy, started to sprint and so we all followed suit, Geary being the last to catch up ( or maybe because he was the slowest ) and lagging far behind, was still running while the rest of us were walking. Suddenly an owl flew overhead so it appeared as if Geary was running away from the owl and until this day it is a known fact that "GEARY IS AFRAID OF OWLS!!!" (Guess who came up with that deduction)
Growing up with us, Geary has become very resilient and resourceful and has learned to say "no" on occasion.
Once ( sorry I had to take a break because I  was laughing so hard at the memory and I hope you guys find it funny too-however it may be one of those - you had to be there) at Sheldon's house ( and before the use of alcohol) we had to amuse ourselves, the Id (maybe it was Shel - DEFINITELY not me because it is MY blog) heard that you can make someone pass out by depriving oxygen to the brain. Sooooo the idea was to stand up against the wall, hyperventilate, hold your breath and the rest of us will press on your chest cavity to release whatever oxygen remained in your lungs ..... Of course safety first! Right? So we placed sofa cushions directly in front of the victims... that being said, I know Sheldon and I tried and it didn't work... then came Geary, he did what was instructed and we all pressed on Geary's chest... WHUMP! Geary passed out, missed the cushions, and he immediately started bleeding. He either cut his lip or had a nose bleed. Of course we tried to catch him but that is hard to do with one hand, while we were busy "high fiving" and celebrating with our other hand. Being resourceful, Geary had to tell his parents he fell. bwahaha  
WAIT, I don't remember Tracy trying....but I do remember Mr. sensitivity telling Geary, " YOU missed the pillows!" Umm bruddah he was unconscious ...

Being resilient, Geary had to endure many heart breaks. Like I stated earlier, we were all very competitive and it became Kenny's personal challenge to try to score with whom ever Geary was infatuated with (of course it changed weekly - the trophy did say "horney toad" not "hairy toad" yes G, you can thank me for my bad penmanship). However, it did take it's toll...  Geary actually accused me of trying to hit on his current crush! And to set the record straight:
  1. she called me because she had an argument with her parents and decided to run away from home... I picked her up , consoled her VERBALLY and returned her home unscathed!
  2. It was TRACY that ended up dating her NOT me!!!
  3. Yes Geary , I forgive you but YOU will never forget it!
Finally, Geary has learned to say no on occasion ... In High school while we were out getting into mischief, Geary would often tell us he had to study - the consequence - he went to Berkeley :)  BUT he has yet to learn not to give into peer pressure...   While I can resist the taunts  " You want to put a nipple on your beer , because you are nursing it"  Geary cannot say "no" to having another beer and tries to keep up beer for beer with the Id, even though we all know it is an impossible task.

Side Note: If girls with big tits work at Hooters. Where do girls with prosthetic legs work?.. Ihop...

That being said perhaps Geary should be thanking us for becoming who he has become. You are welcome G!

Fast forward to the present.
While Geary discourages me from continuing in a failed relationship - Tracy tells me to stay in it for the sex.
While Geary discouraged me from dating while I was separated - Tracy questioned my masculinity.
While Geary understands that I cannot consume another beer - Tracy will call me "candy ass", or ask me what size panty I'm wearing...

"No means no" and I am not depressed or suicidal! I do not want another beer ...  I do not want one, Sam I am ... I do not want one 'cause I don't give a dam!
Update: Recently Geary and I went drinking at a popular watering hole, and I guess he still feels guilt for the previous accusations and I soon learned that G has to learn the difference between "wingman" and "zookeeper"....  "Zookeepers FEED the cougars".  He may as well have given them my blood type, all for one round of beers... But this what transpired, as he immediately texted the Id.

Geary's text to me and Tracy :  Kevin is being hit on by these old lady's
Tracy's text to me and Geary:  Someone is getting gummy tonight.... SLAM 'EM SPOON
Me to both of them: FUCK YOU GUYS!!!!

Saturday, February 16, 2013

My Friends Part 1

 According to Freud, the human psyche is structured into three parts, the Id, the Ego and the Super Ego. The id demands immediate satisfaction and when this happens we experience pleasure, when it is denied we experience ‘unpleasure’ or pain. The id is not affected by reality, logic or the everyday world. Like the id, the ego seeks pleasure and avoids pain but unlike the id the ego is concerned with devising a realistic strategy to obtain pleasure.  Freud made the analogy of the id being the horse while the ego is the rider. The superego's function is to control the id's impulses, especially those which society forbids, such as sex and aggression. It also has the function of persuading the ego to turn to moralistic goals rather than simply realistic ones and to strive for perfection.
In my personal life, I have friends that personally influence my human psyche. They are so different yet together they have influenced who I have become - so blame them.

Driving home from a funeral one day I realized the importance of my close friends and I decided to call them to tell them how much I appreciate them. Geary's response was the feeling was mutual and he also appreciates me, Sheldon, Wendy and Wayne's comments were somewhere along the same lines but the topic was quickly changed.  Then there is my personal Id , TRACY ( I am not changing their names because they are all far from innocent)

Me: Little P, I'm calling because I just attended a funeral and I want to tell you how much your friendship means to me and how much I appreciate you.
Tracy: What the Fuck is wrong with you? Are you suicidal?
Me: No , I just want you to know I appreciate your friendship.
Tracy: Whatever..., who you playing Sunday?

Don't misunderstand me, Mr. Sensitivity has saved my ass and was there for me on more than one occasion.  He was the one to tell me that my girlfriend was cheating on me , while I was home working on Maui for the summer, and helped me gather my belongings from her apartment including my car. ( In hind sight maybe he just wanted to use my car) My friend Sheldon also flew with me from Maui to help me gather my belongings but he was soon salvaging my personal possessions " Can I have that Tecate Mirror..., can I have that Vase... - (No lie Shel you still have the Mouse/Face vase I made)
Tracy: What the Fuck is wrong with you, are you suicidal ? I read that suicidal people give their personal possessions away.  ( yeah right, like he reads... also do you see a theme here)

What Tracy lacks in tactfulness , he makes up for in honesty.  He once applied to be one of Maui's finest but FAILED the interview with flying colors.

Lt: Have you ever smoked marijuana?
Tracy: Yes, in High school
Lt: Why did you smoke?  You knew it was illegal and bad for you.
Tracy: WHY, YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES AND YOU KNOW IT'S BAD FOR YOU...
Needless to say he never made it to the next round. But he did show restraint in not ratting out another friend we smoked with who was also on the panel...

I find it most amusing when Tracy tries to give me female advice or taunts me that I have no game (FYI - I have no game by choice!!!) This is the Neotenous (haha look it up little P)  guy that didn't grow in pubic hair until he reached college. This may explain his much younger and prettier wife...it also explains why he was good at Foosball in high school - plenty of wrist action. (For a while we questioned his sexual preference... but we would support him in what ever team he played for...) Come to think of it... I think Tracy was the first to date Manti's girlfriend Lennay Kekua.

Side Note: what do you call an old Filipino man's sperm? Tata Sauce 
 

My personal Id, Tracy, always thinks it's about the sex, I once tried to explain to him that women cannot distinguish between a physical and an emotional relationship when orgasm are involved but he always tells me to just remain "Friends with benefits".  Perhaps I should explain it to Tracy this way... " I don't FUCK anymore...  I MAKE LOVE". CHEEEWHOO

Side Note: Why do Popolos always think about sex?  Because God put their pubics on their head.

 



Saturday, January 12, 2013

It sucks getting old

IQ or intelligence quotient as I remember it was defined as Mental age over chronological age. So the way I see it, the older I get the stupidier I get since my mental age doesn't change and I still think I am in my 20's. That just sucks in a sense that I always thought my mind was always sharp despite the rest of my body.
I'm not one of those delusional guys who still thinks he has a washboard stomach and can pick up any girl in the bar.  I'm a realist, who knows that I have the washer/dryer combo and probably can pick up any blind girl left at the bar at closing time. But that is a whole different topic altogether (pickup lines).
This post is for those 20 year olds to take heed when looking for an urologist. Look for a doctor that has small nostrils. Let me explain:
I grew up hanging out with guys who are part aquatic animals in a sense that they can consume large quantities of liquid alcohol and expect me to do the same. Even to this day, when I return to my hometown the expectations are still the same.  Drink until closing, relive the past and boast about how smooth we are at picking up women.  (The older we get the better we were...)
On one of my recent business trips back to my hometown, I went out to socially have a few and to catch up with recent events with my compadres, knowing full well that I had to get up at 6:00 a.m to check out and do a presentation in town at 8:00 a.m.   Anyway, leaving the bar at 2:00 a.m, driving the bad influence and his accomplice home, I was suddenly struck with a sharp pain on my right thigh. ( Luckily it wasn't a charlie horse or a cramp but just a fricken hard punch to my thigh !!!) Next was this haunting voice  saying, " Stooopiddd Vicky (names has been changed to protect the innocent) just wanted to oof."  "God, is this you at 2 a.m.?" I thought...  Nope, this was coming from the guy who didn't notice girls until college.  (Haha, Like I'm taking female advice from Peewee Herman.) Then came the comments about me not having any game, I countered by saying that,  I have been in the game longer and I have been inducted into the hall of fame.  The Bantering concluded with the conclusion, that my game plan is like the Super Bowl winning 49ers ---- of the eighties --- it was old.... The point to this pointless tale is now decades  later I have to see an Urologist because my body isn't 70% water but 30% water and 40% alcohol.

When selecting a doctor select one that is robotic and has no emotions and no sense of humor...
Doc: Are you on any medication?
Me: yes , potasium losartate for high blood pressure
Doc: Any medication for erections?
Me: Looking offended, "NO"
Doc: Do you want some ? or does your hand no longer find you attractive?
Me: No thanks I don't need.
Doc: How many times do you get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom?
Me: Probably Once.
Doc: You do get up when you use the bathroom right?
Me : Yes
Doc: What is the duration of time between the need to urinate?
Me: about 2-3 hours
Doc: How many hours do you sleep? Oh never mind...
Doc: I'm going to have to check your prostate...
Me: Grimacing..
Doc: Sorry, drop your pants and lean over and place your elbows on the examining table,
He lubes me up with enough jiffy lube to shove a watermelon up my ass, then he inserts those gorilla fingers...
Me: "Red!!! RED!!!! RED!!!!"
Doc: Huh?
Me: I thought that was the safe word!
Doc: Look ma no hands!!! ( Ok maybe that didn't really happen but I guess it could have)
Me: Can you scratch that itch in my throat while you are up there?
Me: Maybe I can pencil in my jowl lines and sit on your lap and we can take this act on the road?
Doc: It's only one finger.
Me: You're lucky my sphincter isn't razor blades or everyone would have thought you were Yakuza.
Doc: OK it seems smooth. That means there is 90% assurance that there is no cancer.
Handing me a box of tissues.
Doc: You can clean up and there is soap and water by the sink.
Walks out... walks back in
Doc: What happened to my box of tissues
Me: Hey I had to get rid of all that Jiffy lube
Doc:  Do you have any more questions?
Me: No
Doc: Ok , I'll see you next year. wink
Me: Not if I see you first...

Side note.... why did our moms tell us to wear good underwear when we see the doctor?  The pair I have is now water proof
Nurse: You have to pee in this cup and leave it on the bathroom counter.
Me: HUH?
Nurse: You have to urinate...
Me: Huh?
Nurse: UR   IN  ATE
Me: Shit! you're no ten yourself!!
SIGH
now Besides all of my geriatric quandaries I now have white coat hypertension. Note to self Don't "piss" off the urologist bwahahha