Saturday, January 12, 2013

It sucks getting old

IQ or intelligence quotient as I remember it was defined as Mental age over chronological age. So the way I see it, the older I get the stupidier I get since my mental age doesn't change and I still think I am in my 20's. That just sucks in a sense that I always thought my mind was always sharp despite the rest of my body.
I'm not one of those delusional guys who still thinks he has a washboard stomach and can pick up any girl in the bar.  I'm a realist, who knows that I have the washer/dryer combo and probably can pick up any blind girl left at the bar at closing time. But that is a whole different topic altogether (pickup lines).
This post is for those 20 year olds to take heed when looking for an urologist. Look for a doctor that has small nostrils. Let me explain:
I grew up hanging out with guys who are part aquatic animals in a sense that they can consume large quantities of liquid alcohol and expect me to do the same. Even to this day, when I return to my hometown the expectations are still the same.  Drink until closing, relive the past and boast about how smooth we are at picking up women.  (The older we get the better we were...)
On one of my recent business trips back to my hometown, I went out to socially have a few and to catch up with recent events with my compadres, knowing full well that I had to get up at 6:00 a.m to check out and do a presentation in town at 8:00 a.m.   Anyway, leaving the bar at 2:00 a.m, driving the bad influence and his accomplice home, I was suddenly struck with a sharp pain on my right thigh. ( Luckily it wasn't a charlie horse or a cramp but just a fricken hard punch to my thigh !!!) Next was this haunting voice  saying, " Stooopiddd Vicky (names has been changed to protect the innocent) just wanted to oof."  "God, is this you at 2 a.m.?" I thought...  Nope, this was coming from the guy who didn't notice girls until college.  (Haha, Like I'm taking female advice from Peewee Herman.) Then came the comments about me not having any game, I countered by saying that,  I have been in the game longer and I have been inducted into the hall of fame.  The Bantering concluded with the conclusion, that my game plan is like the Super Bowl winning 49ers ---- of the eighties --- it was old.... The point to this pointless tale is now decades  later I have to see an Urologist because my body isn't 70% water but 30% water and 40% alcohol.

When selecting a doctor select one that is robotic and has no emotions and no sense of humor...
Doc: Are you on any medication?
Me: yes , potasium losartate for high blood pressure
Doc: Any medication for erections?
Me: Looking offended, "NO"
Doc: Do you want some ? or does your hand no longer find you attractive?
Me: No thanks I don't need.
Doc: How many times do you get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom?
Me: Probably Once.
Doc: You do get up when you use the bathroom right?
Me : Yes
Doc: What is the duration of time between the need to urinate?
Me: about 2-3 hours
Doc: How many hours do you sleep? Oh never mind...
Doc: I'm going to have to check your prostate...
Me: Grimacing..
Doc: Sorry, drop your pants and lean over and place your elbows on the examining table,
He lubes me up with enough jiffy lube to shove a watermelon up my ass, then he inserts those gorilla fingers...
Me: "Red!!! RED!!!! RED!!!!"
Doc: Huh?
Me: I thought that was the safe word!
Doc: Look ma no hands!!! ( Ok maybe that didn't really happen but I guess it could have)
Me: Can you scratch that itch in my throat while you are up there?
Me: Maybe I can pencil in my jowl lines and sit on your lap and we can take this act on the road?
Doc: It's only one finger.
Me: You're lucky my sphincter isn't razor blades or everyone would have thought you were Yakuza.
Doc: OK it seems smooth. That means there is 90% assurance that there is no cancer.
Handing me a box of tissues.
Doc: You can clean up and there is soap and water by the sink.
Walks out... walks back in
Doc: What happened to my box of tissues
Me: Hey I had to get rid of all that Jiffy lube
Doc:  Do you have any more questions?
Me: No
Doc: Ok , I'll see you next year. wink
Me: Not if I see you first...

Side note.... why did our moms tell us to wear good underwear when we see the doctor?  The pair I have is now water proof
Nurse: You have to pee in this cup and leave it on the bathroom counter.
Me: HUH?
Nurse: You have to urinate...
Me: Huh?
Nurse: UR   IN  ATE
Me: Shit! you're no ten yourself!!
now Besides all of my geriatric quandaries I now have white coat hypertension. Note to self Don't "piss" off the urologist bwahahha