Monday, July 21, 2014

My Buddy Wayne part 2 of...

Perhaps my favorite topic that makes me laugh is the topic of Wayne and his choice of women because of his overactive testosterone.

Flashback to college days ...
Chicken dance
The "boys" used to do two annual trips, one to Vegas and the other skiing...  (I know "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" but I have to share this story)....  In Vegas we usually hang out around each other and stay in the same proximity, however, Wayne went missing for  hours and we started to worry, and since we were not there to verify his story this is what he said...  "I had a craving to go to a particular 'restaurant' that serves chicken and noticed they had free shuttle service so I called them and they picked me up in a fancy limousine.  I was picked up with other customers and was driven straight to the restaurant.  We were all escorted to the lobby area where we were all given a menu...  After glancing at the menu, I realized I couldn't even afford the appetizer so I had to wait until everyone was done eating before they would return me to the hotel..." Walk of shame...Bwahaha

Fast forward to modern day Vegas... We recently attended Tracy's wedding and again Wayne had endured the walk of shame, this time at the hands of a homeless guy..
 Homeless guy: Excuse me sir, can you spare some change
As Wayne continued to walk , little did he know that his old sneakers started to separate from the soles, causing his shoes to making a flapping sound and the appearance that his shoes were talking.
Wayne: Bah, I don't have any change...
Homeless guy: Whoa dude you have talking shoes...
Just as he neared the homeless guy the soles to his shoes flew off ...
Homeless guy:  That's ok you need to buy new talking shoes...

Back to Wayne and his choice of women, flashback mid 80's
Cruising in my truck at Ala Moana... Wayne waves to a girl sitting on the brick wall and she waives back.
Wayne:  Circle around again, I want to talk to her. ( Yeah Yeah Tracy at least Wayne can talk to women)
Me: Meh!
I drop off Wayne and park at Keyholes.  10 minutes pass and soon the cute girl appears at my driver side window.
Daisy:  I didn't want to talk to your creepy friend, I wanted to meet you...
Me: meh
We talk for a little while and made plans to go out ( that's right Tracy... I no need talk to chicks, they come talk to me)
We go out a couple of times and I realize she is crazy!  She would contradict herself by saying stuff like, I don't drink and the next sentence would be ... I got so drunk last night..
As luck would have it, I had to move into the college dorms for my summer job.  She knew what dorm I was in but had no way to access the floor or the room so she would leave trinkets like teddy bears and Cd's for me at the front desk ...
Later that summer, as I refused to call her, I got a call from Wayne at 3:00 a.m. in the morning ( this is before cell phones)
Wayne:  Whoa brah, I have a story for you, I just had Daisy arrested..
Me: Yeah Yeah... Dude it's 3:00 in the morning, call me tomorrow. ( hang up)
Me: huh? what did he say?  I call Wayne back. .. What did you say?
Wayne: I had Dasiy arrested. After we had sex ( no Wayne we are not tunnel mates I didn't have sex with her), she fell asleep and I went through her purse and found my checks and my credit cards, she was stealing from me.
Me: Oh? Eh thanks for the CD and Teddy Bear then...
Daisy makes bail and soon after Wayne calls her and questions why she had done what she did and how could she...  He calls her several times after and then gets a male voice on the phone.
Wayne: Who dis?
Voice:  Why who dis?
Wayne: Why..
Voice:  What!
Wayne:   exchanges pleasantries  I'll kick your ass!
Voice:  Come... bring it....
Wayne calls me 
Wayne:  I like borrow your 9 millimeter
Me:  For what?
He explains...
Me: Hell No!!!!
Wayne goes to confront the voice and brings his butterfly knife.  He knocks on the door and a police officer opens the door, so Wayne tosses the knife in the bushes.  Apparently, Daisy filed harassment charges against Wayne's harrassing phone calls.
Walk of shame....
I could go on about Wayne's annulled marriage, Wayne's intermediate school girlfriend "Maggie"  etc but I'll save it for another time...

To give you another perspective of what kind of friends I have...
  Well... here is another flashback...
We used to fish on a little island in Kapalua at night.  While setting up our lines, ( in the dark) I fall in a deep hole.  The fall is so hard that the tip of my fishing pole breaks off and hits Wayne in the head.
As I lie in the hole with the wind knocked out of me I hear...
Wayne: What the fuck did you throw at my head!
Me: in a soft barely audible tone.. help me... I'm hurt I fell in the hole.
Wayne, Tracy, and Sheldon come over and assess the situation. Bwahahahahahahahaha rolling on the ground laughing. 
Not are you ok?  Just plain laughing
Me... crawl of shame..
Then there is the time, I had a nice size papio on the line and inches from landing it, the line snaps.  Wayne saw the fish ...
Sheldon: Whoa that was a big fish? what kind of fish was it?
Wayne: Popa'a 
Really Wayne?  Would it hurt you to tell the truth ... hence my blog..  nothing but the truth... 

Side note: Tracy always questions my game....  but.. I don't need a game plan when I'm the one being hit on. Bwahaha
Just so you know I have "game"...  here ...

My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the bar. Wanna buy some drinks with their money?

Are you an interior decorator? Because when I saw you, the entire room became beautiful.

Are you religious? Because you're the answer to all my prayers.

I'm not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.

Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?

I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.

I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?

 Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cuz every time I see you, you turn me on!

Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material.

I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I'm going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

I'm not staring at your boobs. I'm staring at your heart.

You're the only girl I love now... but in ten years, I'll love another girl. She'll call you 'Mommy.'

 Can I take your picture to prove to all my friends that angels do exist?

My doctor says I'm lacking Vitamin U.

Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.

 You look so familiar… didn't we take a class together? I could've sworn we had chemistry.