It sucks getting old

IQ or intelligence quotient as I remember it was defined as Mental age over chronological age. So the way I see it, the older I get the stupidier I get since my mental age doesn't change and I still think I am in my 20's. That just sucks in a sense that I always thought my mind was always sharp despite the rest of my body.
I'm not one of those delusional guys who still thinks he has a washboard stomach and can pick up any girl in the bar.  I'm a realist, who knows that I have the washer/dryer combo and probably can pick up any blind girl left at the bar at closing time. But that is a whole different topic altogether (pickup lines).
This post is for those 20 year olds to take heed when looking for an urologist. Look for a doctor that has small nostrils. Let me explain:
I grew up hanging out with guys who are part aquatic animals in a sense that they can consume large quantities of liquid alcohol and expect me to do the same. Even to this day, when I return to my hometown the expectations are still the same.  Drink until closing, relive the past and boast about how smooth we are at picking up women.  (The older we get the better we were...)
On one of my recent business trips back to my hometown, I went out to socially have a few and to catch up with recent events with my compadres, knowing full well that I had to get up at 6:00 a.m to check out and do a presentation in town at 8:00 a.m.   Anyway, leaving the bar at 2:00 a.m, driving the bad influence and his accomplice home, I was suddenly struck with a sharp pain on my right thigh. ( Luckily it wasn't a charlie horse or a cramp but just a fricken hard punch to my thigh !!!) Next was this haunting voice  saying, " Stooopiddd Vicky (names has been changed to protect the innocent) just wanted to oof."  "God, is this you at 2 a.m.?" I thought...  Nope, this was coming from the guy who didn't notice girls until college.  (Haha, Like I'm taking female advice from Peewee Herman.) Then came the comments about me not having any game, I countered by saying that,  I have been in the game longer and I have been inducted into the hall of fame.  The Bantering concluded with the conclusion, that my game plan is like the Super Bowl winning 49ers ---- of the eighties --- it was old.... The point to this pointless tale is now decades  later I have to see an Urologist because my body isn't 70% water but 30% water and 40% alcohol.

When selecting a doctor select one that is robotic and has no emotions and no sense of humor...
Doc: Are you on any medication?
Me: yes , potasium losartate for high blood pressure
Doc: Any medication for erections?
Me: Looking offended, "NO"
Doc: Do you want some ? or does your hand no longer find you attractive?
Me: No thanks I don't need.
Doc: How many times do you get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom?
Me: Probably Once.
Doc: You do get up when you use the bathroom right?
Me : Yes
Doc: What is the duration of time between the need to urinate?
Me: about 2-3 hours
Doc: How many hours do you sleep? Oh never mind...
Doc: I'm going to have to check your prostate...
Me: Grimacing..
Doc: Sorry, drop your pants and lean over and place your elbows on the examining table,
He lubes me up with enough jiffy lube to shove a watermelon up my ass, then he inserts those gorilla fingers...
Me: "Red!!! RED!!!! RED!!!!"
Doc: Huh?
Me: I thought that was the safe word!
Doc: Look ma no hands!!! ( Ok maybe that didn't really happen but I guess it could have)
Me: Can you scratch that itch in my throat while you are up there?
Me: Maybe I can pencil in my jowl lines and sit on your lap and we can take this act on the road?
Doc: It's only one finger.
Me: You're lucky my sphincter isn't razor blades or everyone would have thought you were Yakuza.
Doc: OK it seems smooth. That means there is 90% assurance that there is no cancer.
Handing me a box of tissues.
Doc: You can clean up and there is soap and water by the sink.
Walks out... walks back in
Doc: What happened to my box of tissues
Me: Hey I had to get rid of all that Jiffy lube
Doc:  Do you have any more questions?
Me: No
Doc: Ok , I'll see you next year. wink
Me: Not if I see you first...

Side note.... why did our moms tell us to wear good underwear when we see the doctor?  The pair I have is now water proof
Nurse: You have to pee in this cup and leave it on the bathroom counter.
Me: HUH?
Nurse: You have to urinate...
Me: Huh?
Nurse: UR   IN  ATE
Me: Shit! you're no ten yourself!!
SIGH
now Besides all of my geriatric quandaries I now have white coat hypertension. Note to self Don't "piss" off the urologist bwahahha

I had an afterthought that Santa must be female so I googled it and this is what I found.  I converted to a powerpoint so feel free to copy...

Xmas from dahoku

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.  I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

 As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12  years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to  protect him from the cold night's chill.  Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family.  He had three brothers and two sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time  jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to save two hundred  dollars to buy her children Christmas presents.  The young boy had been dropped off on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his  siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.    
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."   "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.
 The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head."How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered,  "Help me!"
 I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.  So, I grabbed his other hundred dollar bill and ran like hell to my car.

Just some random thoughts after I was listening to the radio. I apologize in advance if it is offensive in anyway...

This is what transpired while an effeminate caller called the psychic..

Caller:  Hi , My sister is having a baby and I want to know what Gender the baby will be.
Radio DJ's : Why? Because you want to  know if you are going to be an Aunty or an Uncle?
Psychic:  I'm not going to answer because the parents may not want to know.. put your sister on the phone...
Caller's sister: Hello
DJ's: How long has your brother known he was funny kine?
Caller's sister:  Since her was three... he was born that way...
DJ's : How come took him three years then?
After she hangs up another mahu caller calls in
Mahu caller:  I told you ding-a lings that you are either born that way or you are 'sucked" into it bwahahaha

Me:  Half crying laughing already
That reminds me of some mahu jokes...
What do gay cow's eat.?.  In a gay voice haaaaayyyy ( I guess you have to hear it )
What did the filipino bakla say when he saw two handsome guys?  I like Boto dem
How does a kumu hula answer the phone? Halau
How many letters in the mahu alphabet ?  1  Aiy

Just remember that even though the grass lo0ks greener on the other side... you still have to cover your ass...

I wanted a place to post some random thoughts and other nonsense. 
Sometimes things just pop into my head and I wanted somewhere where I can document my random thoughts, so in the event I create some Heinous crime, you can see that I may be clinically insane...

If you read my blog and steal one of my ideas you must pay me a royalty because as you can see I am documenting my insane creative thoughts..

It may even turn to my online diary...

and away we go

Follow along because there is no logical reasoning behind my thinking...

My million dollar entrepreneurial invention is ... drum roll please
Laulauaulau in a can
Just imagine, for all you homesick locals out there...  we take laulau, stuff it in a can and on the bottom of the can we put vent holes and water so you can actually steam the lau lau in the can itself... pure genius.

Plus



= Pure Genius

Speaking of Food...

When you eat chicken eggs, are you eating the chickens menstruation?
That reminds me of a joke...  How is Balut and B-lot alike?  They both taste better when the chick is young. bwhaahaha ok...  I crack myself up.
Since we are on the topic of eggs... Know where the concept of Easter Eggs came from?

 Yeah, their kids will need a 504 plan...
Ok enough for now. I have a headache...  I know I know... that's what she said... yeah that's what she always says...